23

Even When

good things happen, theres a price to pay for them later.
Have you ever noticed that?

I just feel so selfish.
Maybe what seems good really isn't what you need.
Maybe it isn't good for other people involved.
But how can you ever know?

You can't.

It's one thing to make a mistake...by mistake.
It's another to go into something knowing you're going to make a mistake... and not being able to change that fact.
[ I think mistake is the wrong word to use.]

I can already tell that this is going to be one of blocks of life that is going to stretch me.
Better yet, it's going to catapult me into a destination that is unknown.

And that's what life is, right?

Knowing that you have no idea what is going to happen next, but having the faith to press onward and find out.

[We'll go with... a working definition. ]


Time reveals a lot about yourself.
That seems like an agreeable statement.

In the time I've been alotted, I know one thing that is true about myself.

I would rather be hurt than hurt another.

I think in finding out who I am, I've created phobias.
Because, that's who I think I am.
I am a person who is afraid of: hurting others, not seeing loved ones in heaven, being a bad mother, and public speaking.


"You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You




Why the frown?
You know you look better when it's upside down.

22

Even When

Conflict, adversity, trials and tribulations are pushed into our lives, the holidays always show me the brighter side.

I adore fall and winter.
I regain energy.
I inhale a new breath of life.

Although it seems to be the most stressful time of year for the bulk of society, the only stress I feel is the need to stress that this is the most wonderful time of the year.


I can feel the holidays bringing in something memorable.
Whether it be good or bad, I'll continue to enjoy this season.

21

Even When

India is drenched with poverty and pollution, there are still bigger fish that need to be fried.

This experience showed me more than another geographical location.
I actually saw with my own eyes.
I touched with my own hands.
I felt with my own heart.
These people are worth so much more than they could even begin to imagine.
More than I can imagine.

My journal of the trip:

5:40 a.m. Friday November 21, 2008
We [Jason, Roger and I] just arrived at the YMCA Hostel in Delhi. Our flight was long and I was often restless sitting in the middle if the two boys for nearly 20 hours. We stopped in Dubai for the last leg of our flight. This is the richest country in the world so it wasn't that surprising that they had gold plated phones and large square donuts. [Square donuts in no way correlate with wealth. I just thought it was an interesting sight.] India itself is really foggy tonight. We had to circle the airport for two hours waiting for the fog to clear up enough for us to land. The pilot was a bit sketchy. He kept telling us not to worry, that we had enough fuel to last us an hour and then we would 'attempt' to land. It wasn't so much reassuring as it was comical. We got off the plane and met up with our drivers. Taking into consideration that this is around 4:30-5:00 a.m. didn't exactly help, because the way we were driving was completely insane. California drivers are a breeze in comparison. People disregard line seperators and there are absolutely no stop signs. Also, honking and flashing your brights are not frowned upon but instead encouraged. The YMCA is not what I expected, but it is nicer than what I saw many people sleeping on on the way over. Now we rest up for the remainder of the day. Today we get to be tourist. Excitement.

8:30 p.m. Friday November 21, 2008
We woke up at 8:30 this morning in order to get breakfast. Since we're the first of the group up here, today we got to explore a small portion of Delhi.We stayed mostly in a 6-9 block radius of the YMCA Hostel. As we began our walk, merchants and ricshaw drivers started crowding us. They became overwhelming but never backed down, even after the word 'no' was said. What broke my heart today was a little girl. She was standing alone on a sidewalk, looking around and asking people for money and food. When I walked near her she motioned her hand to her mouth indicating she was hungry. I couldn't do anything about it. First because I had no food, second because we are supposed to ignore beggars and third because I was in such disbelief that she has to grow up doing this for her entire life. After the encounter with the girl we proceeded to take a mini tour of a nearby mosque. People would walk up to a pool of holy waterand fall on their knees praying as if they were gradually trying to get to the top of the stairs. Apparently they are waiting for their eleventh prophet to arrive. We walked for hours upon hours. I only took about fifty pictures today, but more are coming. After dragging ourselves around for an hour or so, we decided to head back to the YMCA when a little boy wanted me to buy some necklaces. The price was pretty good and I would be needing gifts for when I got back, so I accepted his offer. 16 for 100 rupees. That's about two dollars. I'm pretty sure he's a hustler though. We went back to the boy's room and played card and dice games. Then we ate dinner with Noelle and Kyle [his wife]. They see so much potential in Indian people, it was great to have a chance to talk to them. It has been an exhasting day, but now I get to meet my roommate. Also, being mean is not a lot of fun and very tiring as well. I hate having to turn them down, but I've been told that they use pity to get money from foreigners.

9:04 a.m. Saturday November 22, 2008
My roommate came in late last night. I almost didn't wake up to the knocking. We both got up around 7:30 this morning. Her name is Kristen Davis. She's been living in India for the past three months. I found out that she goes to a school that I wanted to go to. I believe that we're going to get along really well. I was expecting an elderly woman, but it's what I imagine a college roommate would be like. I'm looking forward to our upcoming day and week.

20

Even When

People keep telling me I should be scared, excitement outweighs all of the worry.

I am going to INDIA.
(Although, my parents weren't very supportive in the decision at first, they are helping me prepare for my departure.)

My expectations for this trip are probably set higher than they should be.
That's only because I know God is going to do amazing things with the people there.
I am so honored to be a part of His plan for them.
I can't even being to fathom what they have to go through with the caste system.
It's all just unbelievable to me.
But I think I'll have a better understanding once I'm actually there.
When I am actually in the presence of the Indian people.


I feel like I need to go.
It needs to happen.
I need to be there.
God needs to be there.


Let's go now.
Let's love on them.
Let's show them who our Savior is.

19

Even When

I am fighting to find a balance between keeping my old friends and making new ones, I keep feeling like theres no way I can have both.
All my energy has been going into people lately.
Old school buddies that are only down for a couple days.
Relatives with birthday parties.
Jr highers constantly on sugar highs.
Siblings needing advice or someone to lash out at.
Friends I see on a regular basis.

None of these people have done anything wrong.
I love seeing them because, chances are they've been a huge blessing in my life.
I just feel like I'm burning out.
I can't give everyone attention.
There isn't enough time in my day.
I wish I could give every person the time they deserve.
But there's no way I can do it.
By nature, I'm a people pleaser.
I would rather see others happy.
And now that I can't do that...
I feel like Im failing as a friend.

I've totally been neglecting some of the greatest people in the world.
And some of these people, I know, will take it personally.
All I can say is that I love each of you.


I'm trying my best.

18

Even When

Life seems stable, events happen simultaneously that shake my world.

I have been growing and expecting change to happen.
WANTING it to happen.

But selfishly I thought it would be easier than this.
I thought I would see changes in the things I wanted to see changed.
It's hard to get through these events when I think this way.


This week I was asked to do something I have never done before.
Fast.
Or, give up something I've grown dependent on.
Lent.

I am struggling with what I should give up.
All I can do is wait for it to be revealed to me.
However, I know I need to do this.
It's been a long needed week focusing on God alone.
With everything that has just piled on in my life, I didn't take the time to call out for help.
Instead of giving it all to the one who asks for my burdens, I throw them on others or keep them to myself.


I'll be listening to God this week.
If I'm not going to be filled by earthly food, I'll get fed somewhere else.




On the post script note,
I need to be a better friend.
And I need to let go of the sarcasm.
It's beginning to hurt people.

17

Even When

everything is in place and has a good balance, I feel something tugging at my heart.

I have this incredible urge to get up and leave.
Just run across the planet and jump into the universe.

Days like this don't happen too often, but when they do, they consume me.


If God were to call me somewhere other than here, I would have no problem sprinting to the destination.

What scares me...
completely freaks me out...
shakes me until I jolt awake at night...
is staying.


Staying here.
Not being wanted for more than this desert.


That will be the biggest challenge of all.
Accepting where it is I'm meant to be.

16

Even When

my knowledge concerning the track record I've kept was correct, it was never the way I desired it to pan out.

Apparently I can't make good choices.
Perhaps, why I have an indecisive mind now.

His voice enters my head, and tells me what I should do.
What I need to do.

I just can't seem to listen to it, when it comes to these decisions at least.

Honestly, I heard it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
I fought it; I fought Him.
But He was right.

It's always been preached to me.
I've said it myself.
What do I need to do?

WAIT.

I need more than drive, more than advice, more than clarity.
I need all He has to offer.

No one looks out for me like Him.
He knows me better than anyone.
I should leave this for Him as well.
There's no way I can find it.
The odds of that are one in a trillion.

But He will.



"There's still your worried mouth
To match your worried eyes
The only two things left to find"

No longer.







It always feels amazing to give these chains up.
And it's even more amazing that He takes them.

I love God.

15

Even When


attempts become a part of my daily routine, it seems unlikely that I'll be able to relate to them any time soon.
We've always disagreed on some level. Our outlooks on life haven't come together well.

I never thought once I became an adult they would attack me for them.
My beliefs are mine. I never asked them to take them.
I have always respected theirs. I've asked questions and discussed.
But never baggered or tried to tear down.


I wish they could be more open to the ideas.

14

Even When

They promise that they will do anything for you, they don't even attempt to deliver.

I do not understand how they can say that they love me and would do anything for me, but when it comes to helping me with something they don't agree with, they turn their backs and wait to watch me fail.
I will say that if I were doing something even slightly bad or stupid, I would listen to them and not proceed.
But this is a well thought out event that is showing love and servitude for those that are less fortunate.
For those that are cast down in society.
For those that we are called to help.

How can you turn your back on your child because she wants to give back for all of the blessings she's received?

I have thought about this, prayed about this, and I know where I am needed.
If they can't or won't help me get there, then I will do it on my own.

It's just really upsetting to find out that you can't always count on your parents.


It is, in fact, a wake-up call.
You can't ALWAYS count on anyone.
Once again, everyone will let you down.

What a shame.

My hopes are high, however.
I know that even though the things of the world will let you down and lead you astray.
But it can be overcome, and we will reside in a place far better than what we see here.

One day.

13

Even When

My body is praying I give it rest for the night, I have a sleepless mind that won't give in.

Mr. Alex Kaneko can say it better than I could

"awake with your eyes closed
just enough to lie
flat on your back and you ask
cuz you don't know why

was it yesterday or something from a dream?
is it fantasy or something in between?

but the day won't start
'til you pull away the blinds
and the night won't end
if you're scared of what you'll find
so stopcuz you're rolling off
the wrong side of your bed
then gowhen you're through
with all the voices in your head
and wake up singing"

http://www.myspace.com/alexkaneko

12

Even When

My natural instinct is to preserve what I've been building up the last four years, a part of me wants to let it all go and start over.

Change isn't something I'm afraid of. But I do have to gear myself up for it.
I have a hard time not being a part of people's lives once I've been placed in them.
However, it's something I have to learn to do.
And timing is perfect. Because I'm ready for the challenge.


I need a healthy balance.

"Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver and the other's gold.
A circle's round, it has no end.
That's how long I want to be your friend."

If only it were it as easy as a song.
And for the true and best friends, it may be.

The time has come.

11

Even When

I call in pest control, the butterflies keep coming back.

It is just a person, I should be able to keep my composure.






P.S. The past doesn't have to be repeated.



Sidenote: It's really happening; life straps you in and says "hold on".
Best wishes to those already miles away.

10

Even When

Creepy situations become repetitive, hearts can still be changed.
Throughout this week I have become a more patient, understanding, steady leader.
I don't need to know all of the answers. Words aren't even necessary.
For once my actions were enough.
I was lucky enough to build relationships with all eight of my girls.
And in one week, I feel like they learned more than they would have in months of going to church on and off.
They each needed this experience, as much as I did.
I can't hardly wait to watch each girl grow.


The seed has been planted.


[Amberly, Alessandra(Ali), Becka, Jasmine, Jenny, Maria(Changa), Rayna, Victoria]
You are wonderful girls, and each bring something different to "the band". I hold you near and dear to my heart. Be the salt of the earth, and find your way to worship. I love you all.

9

Even When

A week was spent building up peace and confidence, one distraction can ruin all the work.

That was something I needed to maintain throughout the week and into next in order to take on the roll of a good well equipped counselor.
But I am beginning to divert from my priorities.
I constantly struggle to follow God's will instead of my own.
Right now, I can feel myself being tempted. It's one of the most prominent feelings I have now.
The serpent is trying his best to get into my head and push me to give in.
I just pray for strength to get through it.
To dismiss the distration for a least a week, until I return home.
It wouldn't be fair to the girls if they are there mentally, and I'm not.

I'm not going to lie...
I really want the apple.


One verb to describe the Christian life: WAIT

Maybe this apple will be given to me unscathed, ripe and most importantly, at the time I need it.


He knows I can handle this.
He has faith in me, and I shall in Him.
I won't be led astray.

FAITH.

8

Even When

Growing didn't seem like an option, God found a way around my dissapointment and worked in me.

He never ceases to amaze me.
He is so much bigger than we know, and I am constantly being reminded of that.

Although, this was one of my loneliest weeks, I haven't felt more comforted or whole.
If there was anything I got out of this week, it is that silence is not only amazing and a blessing, but truly powerful.
Never have I ever heard the thunderous silence like that night.
It was so profound that I couldn't hold emotion back any longer.


My writings of that night: [Simple and to the point]

God spoke to me through the light of a star.
As I stared at it, the light brightened and all else dissapeared.
This is the most intimate moment I've ever encountered with God.
I believe this is the closest I'll ever get to Him until I die.
From now on I will eagerly await the nights He calls me and singles out His wonderous star to talk with me with the intensity I felt tonight.
Nothing else mattered in this world.
Although my focus was holding on to God, Satan fought for my attention as well.
And a battle raged in my mind.
But my glorious Saviour won.
Now that the distractions were set aside I could hear Him.
What does He want from me?
Kim, I will do Big Things with you. You may have to sacrifice some things for me, like your marriage. I want you to fully commit to my work, for I will never lead you to harm. Grab hold of your new friend, Shelby, you will need each other. Do not be afraid of public speaking, there is no need.
When our night began I struggled to clear my head of things I wanted answered and had to listen to what God wanted and needed to tell me.
Because up until that point I hadn't been listening very well.
Patience, dear child, when the time comes I will unveil my will for you. Watch for my star, and listen with your heart.
The time lingered, but I felt there wasn't enough of it.
I was fixated forever, but forever was coming to an end.
I knew the camp wouldn't allow me to stay out much longer, and our time together was coming to an end.
Amazing Grace came on over the intercom and to say 'I love you too' to my wonderful worthy Father, I sang.




That is a night that will never leave me.
I will always hold those fifteen minutes near to my heart, and pray that everyone can have moments in their life like I had.
My Lord and Saviour is amazing.

7

Even When

Talking calms, a comforting embrace erases all unsure feelings.

Family is one of the blessings I take for granted.
Each of them is truly wonderful and nothing short of amazing.
With every passing year, a new and deeper love fully saturates my relationship with them.
We are completely different, yet so similar.


I have the perfectly imperfect family.

Without the bad times, growing would be impossible.
And through these I witness how strong my family is.




Divert from topic:
Interesting...

What are your greatest fears? The wrath of God, what else is there to fear?

Alas, I'm heading on a journey up north.

6

Even When

Writing sounds like fun, it somehow ends up online.
[Here's an attempt.]

The static gets louder with every passing second
Familiar faces have been drained
I witness hearts being torn out
With a lightning cackle following through the bones

A daily mess for the night crew to sweep
All because of of these ficticious whisperings
Yet, the victims return knowing their fate
A heart can be squeezed dry only so many times

I now know that they are not the weak
That word is left for the master of destruction
The trigger happy demon will soon see
The spirit can not be broken




Oh, &

Don't put a smile on your face just to make the world a better place.
This is life, no faking allowed.

5

Even When

The best were chosen, doubts raged in this mind.

I am terrified, because all I see is failure ahead.
As the week grows closer, my weaknesses are the only things that stand out.
How am I going to do this?

Although I have amazing help from the rest of the staff, I can't help but feel apprehensive about the entire situation.
I know that this experience is going to stretch me, and will most likely be one of the Ebenezer stones in my life, but I don't feel well equipped to take on this large of a task.

These are the spiritual lives of fifteen [+/-] girls here.

I want to do this, I do.
I just don't want to ruin anything.
I hope I can handle it.

To God be the glory.

4

Even When


I thought I was a good example, I was wrong.

In the morning I want to know what I can do to make you happy.
As the night takes me into my slumber, please tell me what I did to make you sad.

I want clarity in what the Ebenezer stones of my life are.
Each defining moment.


Prayer works.

Just do it.
[Now, follow your own advice Kim]

3

Even When

I am told not to worry, I fill myself more with this feeling.
Especially when told by an uneasy, unconvincing voice.
As would any decent person.

It isn't assurance I want.
It's trust.

Is this not what most people desire in their friends?
I want to be able to rely on the integrity, strength, ability and surety of a person.

Accountability & Responsibility & Vulnerability & Risk

As it turns out, in order to receive a person's trust, I must put my trust in them.


I have been unfair. [No matter how unfair the world may be, I want to do my best in making it the opposite.]
My friendships have been selfish, and I need to set things right.
It's a two-way street.
My friends deserve better.



I will be...

2

Even When.

You've been cooped up for days, you feel no desire to escape.

Let go of the familiar and risk it all.
We have choices.
It may not seem that important, but it's what we have.
This is what freedom is all about.
We can, and must exercise our right to, choose.

Our choices are what define us.
Not our measly words, but what we put into action.
And how we handle the consequences.


Use your choices to secure something bigger, and make them count.

You don't have to save the world.

1

Even When.

The world has a negative air, I can still find reason to smile.
Although we're deteriorating, we will never die.
Our bodies to the world, and our souls to the Lord.
Never lose sight, never fear.

Trust Him.