37

Even When

"It feels like there's a big balloon inside my stomach. And the balloon keeps growing bigger and bigger, like every second extra the tic stays inside it feels like somebody blows up the balloon another notch, until I let it out."

People are interesting.
I am not sure which I enjoy more, observing or interacting.
It brings me joy to just sit and listen to others, to gain even a small insight into their mind, into their heart, into their soul.

I love learning.
It hasn't always been that way. Truthfully, up until I graduated, I did not have a real passion for learning in school. One passion that has followed through sixth grade is my slightly creepy fixation with people watching. (The interaction part didn't blossom until ninth grade)
Now, I can say in all honesty, I have an eagerness and heart felt desire to learn as much as I can about whatever/whoever I can.

Although I'm taking nineteen units this semester, I have yet to feel overwhelmed. Mostly, the only feeling I have is joy. Each course I am enrolled in a) relates well with the others, b) I find myself weaving into my everyday thought and life, c) has contributed to me becoming more bold and inquisitive, d) has played a major part in my thirst for knowledge.

Now to the quotation that began this entry:

Josh Cutler in New York. Josh has Tourette's Syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes uncontrollable tics and involuntary verbal outbursts. The Teenage Diaries (found through an adol. psych assignment) series has been giving tape recorders to young people around the country to report on their own lives.

What I find most interesting is the fact that it is completely raw and unfiltered. There is no need to impress when it's just you and a tape recorder for an entire year. No teenager can put on a facade for that long. Especially this young man, Josh... he always says what is on his mind. Mostly because he can't help it, from the Tourette's, but also because that is who he is. He talks about the fact that even if he was free of the disease, he would still be a "loony bird". The best part, he is not ashamed of who he is.

This is a very intriguing project. I would urge anyone to try this. (Not necessarily through NPR; on your own is fine) It's a diary, but more personal in my opinion. Hearing your own voice saying things that you may no longer believe, experiences that you've forgotten, feelings and thoughts you haven't experienced since... It has the potential to be an incredibly moving experience.

Through Josh's thirteen minute video diary, I have gained an insight that I would not have gotten through the transcript alone.
After listening to it, all I want to do is talk with a whole bundle of people- ones I know, as well as ones I don't.

If you have the time, take a listen. You will take something away from it.

http://www.radiodiaries.org/teenagediaries.html

36

Even When

you know... you are not always aware.

I spent the other evening talking with a friend.

We spent time discussing the past, the future, desires, fears, weaknesses ect.



Basically, I realized, and I think we both did...







that we do not have to settle for mediocre.



This semester has really reinforced that notion.

35

Different from my normal format, this post will be completely raw. I feel this is necessary to give you more insight as to where I am coming from.

Accountability & Responsibility & Vulnerability & Risk
An attempt. That's what counts, right?

Here it goes:

I am trying so hard to keep to my promise, to keep to my decision, to not give in.
The truth is, I miss my best friend.
Nearly a month has gone by without contact, and because of that, it has been the most emotionally wrenching month of my life. August 25, 2009 is a day I will remember. That is the day I told my best friend I was not going to talk to him again. I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I can't say I didn't abandon him. I did. I threw away our friendship of four years so he could concentrate on his relationship with his girlfriend and not worry about anything else. I won't deny the feelings I have for him. I am not ready though. He's not in a place that I can commit to him, and I'm not going to date a non-christian. I can't. Dating is for those who are ready for marriage, or that's my belief. And I am most definitely not ready for it.

This is the first time I've had to let go of a friendship that I wasn't ready to see end.
It hurts. I feel like such a girl. I never cry. It's all unfamiliar. Although, it may not seem a huge crisis to some, it is slowly becoming one to me. I've prided myself on knowing what to do in every situation in my life. I am generally very decisive with my personal decisions. This is because I know my morals, I know how to discern, and I have common sense. I know how to balance emotions with logic, for the most part. But in this case I really don't care that I'm out of balance. That is because I desire my friendship to return to how it was a year ago, and I am tempted to explore the possibilities of that happening. "I want it now", it can happen now. When the truth is, it can't. People say, "we can repeat the past", but we can't relive it. And that is both a blessing and a curse.

If guy troubles are what constantly and most often fill my thoughts, instead of God, then I know I am not ready for a relationship. And that's where I am right now. I hate to admit it but, God is not my top priority. This is where I want to be, saying, "I will wait for the man God is preparing for me, and if that is not in God's plan then I'll still be grateful." I will become that woman of God. "This is my desire, to honor You."

I know God has big plans for me. Plans that I can't comprehend. Let me just say, I am so grateful for each person he has placed in my life. If you were to throw out a name of someone I know, I could tell you how amazing that person is and what their impact has been on me. God has been so good to me. I can't believe I am at a place right now where I am wanting him to change what's already done. I know he can, but I won't ask him to. I trust him too much. Although the desire is still deep in my heart, I will not give in to it. I am stronger then that.

Maybe I am making this out to be more then it is, but then again ridding your life of the one person that you are closest to can prove to be more difficult then anything. Especially for me. It's all relative, right?

I just really need to instill in myself that ALL I NEED is my Lord and Savior. Look at Job [Job 1:1-2:10], he lost everything: his animals, house, family, health...and he was a rock in his faith with God. He knew the outcome would be greater than the destruction he saw before his eyes. He knew it was foolish to accept the good with out the trouble. I have often thought about how I would react in the situations Job faced, and I am always filled with uncertainty. Watching other's suffer is not something I do well. I can't stand when people I love are in harm. I know that is how Satan would get to me. But I also know if I give that worry to God, he will take it and make me strong. He will guard me and help me through the trials. [1Peter 5:7]

This is all very personal. But as a follower of Christ, I have no right to keep the works of God a secret. My life is in the works currently and indefinitely.

34

Even When

I did...I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

August was the most eye opening, emotional, ridiculously amazing month of my entire life. That is not an overstatement by any means.

1. Two weeks in Alpine
a. I would love to work there next summer
b. Patience was tested
c. Everyone has a story that WILL surprise you
d. Worship music wins, hands down
2. God speaks through the silence
a. Early morning walks
b. Afternoon cool breeze
c. Starry night one-on-nones
3. I have NEVER been so full of joy
a. A friend that gets the happiness he has always deserved
b. Family finally opens up and a glimpse of hope for closeness lingers
c. Children/Youth on fire for God
4. Letting go
a. As a test of faith
b. For one less distraction
c. Of the past
d. Is still difficult
5. 9 months without shedding a tear
a. Realization of inevitable change
b. Not a weakness
c. Healthy, in fact
6. Every youth needs someone pouring into their lives, on a regular basis
a. Genuinely invest
b. Love
c. Guide
7. Friends
a. Incredibly important
b. Change
i. Not suddenly
ii. While we are blind
iii. To grow in a certain direction
c. Will let you down
d. Will teach you something

In the midst of the chaotic month, I lost what I am supposed to be doing.
In the first days back at school I have been repeatedly asked what the next year holds for me.
I knew. I was so sure. Certain beyond a doubt.
Am I afraid, and that is what clouds my certainty now?
Or perhaps another path is going to be unveiled?


I am supposed to take my own advice here and wait.
Be patient, trust, have faith.
I am straying from the path.
I can feel it.
God help me back to your flock.

33

Even When

you're here, you're on your way there.


Let me begin by saying this: I dislike organization.
However, I do believe in rules, and do find plans beneficial on occasion.
There has never been a schedule I have committed to regarding academics.
Ironically, the only times I have used a calendar are these past two summers.
I filled up those three months within two days.
This is the map of my summer. Color coded legend provided, with sticky notes.
I was counting on these three pieces of paper to dictate my summer.
At the beginning of June I followed my daily schedule religiously.
Then, one event got pushed back and threw off my entire week.

You see, I constantly feel these days are inconsistent with those prior to June.
Inconsistent in the fact that they do not fit how I normally go about my life.
In all sincerity, I was angry.
"How could someone mess up my plan?"
Once the anger subsided, I became stressed and eventually overwhelmed every time I looked at my calendar.
"I have to get this done. What if I don't? Then what?"
Silly questions sprinkled throughout my mind.

Up until last year, I have never had to deal with stress.
Now that may seem like a fictitious statement, but I assure you, it's the truth.
What changed?
The only variable was something as simple as a calendar.

Things that don't follow my plan frustrate me.
People that disregard it annoy me.
Any alterations made have been cast out of my thoughts completely. Good riddance.
And those days that are lacking of plans are drawn out and ultimately wasted.
Creating my own summer schedule has become complicated.
It's pushed me to bring out my negative characteristics more frequently.
Now that I've realized that, I'm going to do away with "the plan" and lean back towards going with the flow.

This is one of my reoccurring topics.
Our plans vs God's plan.
And while I write an increasingly long post about this subject, I know what the end result is.
How often is the answer right in front of us but we reason that it will be so much easier to take a step back and then leap forward?
It might look something like a country line dance.

Bottom line: Trust God.
Isn't it always?

32

Even When

I dislike the fact that it has already been one year since I've been out of high school and time keeps shooting on by, I am thankful that with time comes change.
In those situations where we feel the most confused, hurt, or lost... we can find assurance in the fact that it will pass.
The best moments may not last forever, but neither do the bad ones.

I can't help but see the irony between our fast paced, "I want it now" world and the over dramatic people in a situation gone wrong.
Anything that is desirable we want immediately. Anything unpleasant we complain 'ruins our lives' and 'will never be over'.
Pick and choose.
Our generation does not know what the word "wait" means.
It is because of this ignorance that people blow small things out of the water.
And the sad thing is, it's only going to get worse.

Technology is becoming more sophisticated as we speak.
We are beginning to expect easy routes in life as well as everything to be handed to us without complication.
We are impatient, self-serving, impolite, annoying individuals.

What happened to taking an extra fifteen minutes for the scenic road?
The home made coffee with your spouse?
An entire day spent outside inventing games?
Helping mom crack an egg into the bowl?
Are these forgotten? Are they no longer treasured?
Maybe I can get to the hotel for an early check-in.
Starbucks has the only espresso I like.
Video games are more entertaining.
Just add water and place in the microwave for 'home made' brownies.

What is more convenient?
We do what we can to get an extra half hour at the end of the day.
For what? That extra episode of Family Guy. Thirty minutes to talk to friends online. Gossiping with the BFF on the phone.

I believe.. I think we all believe that there is more to our everyday lives than getting from point A to point B.
We may not say it, but we want to experience the in between.
We want to experience. I know we do.
How many people say they want to live life to the fullest and actually do?

This isn't so much a put-down as it is a challenge.
Take an extra minute to look at the beauty in your life and appreciate it in the now.
Stop looking at the beautiful flower through the window and go outside and smell it, feel it, experience it.
I say, it's worth it.

There is only so much time we are allotted. Before we know it we will be wondering where it went...how it was spent.

I use 'we' as an indication that this is our problem.
If you want this change, then it is up to you to do it.
You make the choice.

31

Even When.


This is a song I learned in India.
They sang it at all the rallies in Hindi.
It translates to this:

We shall overcome.
We shall overcome.
We shall overcome one day.
Oh, deep in my heart
I do believe
We shall overcome someday.

The truth will set us free.
The truth will set us free.
The truth will set us free one day.
Oh, deep in my heart
I do believe
The truth will set us free someday.

30

Even When

memorization is an effective tool, it won't do you good if you can't look into the content of it.

In fifth grade I memorized Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

I've struggled with this. God's put it on my heart to correct certain areas of my life through this verse.

When making a change for God I have noticed that it anything but easy. I will be tempted, I will be made fun of, I will, more than likely, be knocked down.
But I will overcome, I will walk away, I will get back up. I will do all of this through Christ and for Christ.

Just recently I was asked these two questions:
Are you willing to break our culture's rules to experience God's best?
Are you willing to give Him everything, committing yourself to Him with abandon?

Who am I to shy away from what the Creator of the universe has in store for me?
Do I consider myself more wise than Him ?
My Father gave His Son, His one and only Son, to die for me.
Giving Him my everything is but a small token of the enormous gratitude I owe.

Here's a story told by Ravi Zacharias through Joshua Harris:

One day a boy who has a bag of marbles proposes a trade with a little girl who has a bag of candy. The girl gladly agrees. But while the boy gets out his marbles, he realizes that he can't bear to part with some of them. Rather dishonestly, he takes three of his best marbles and hides them under his pillow. The boy and girl make the trade, and the girl never knows he has cheated her. But that night, while the girl lies fast asleep, the boy has no peace. He's wide awake pondering a question that nags him: "I wonder if she kept her best candy, too? "

Like the little boy, many of us walk through life plagued by the question "Has God given me His best?" But the question we must answer first is "Am I giving God my best?"
Have you given God everything, or do you still hold your favorite marbles on your hand?


He is worth giving everything up for.
I'm trying to get to the point that I don't feel like I have to keep those marbles anymore.
It's a working process.

29

Even When

A flower dies, the world will pass right by it.

I do not understand, nor am I sure that I am supposed to, how people feel they can get away with their sin.

Do they not feel in their hearts the wrong they are committing?

Can they not see the horror and destruction in the aftermath?

How can anyone live with themselves once such a deed is done?

Are they ashamed at all?

Is that guilty feeling deep in the pit of their stomach not enough to want to repent?

If not to the persons affected, then to God at least? At least... whatever higher power they see fit.

I am baffled at the situation at hand.

There is confusion as to what I should believe and feel at the moment.

I have always believed that there is good inside people.

However,

This is just so inescapably horrible.

How is it that such an evil happened to someone I love?

No one would ask for this.

She never wanted something like this to ruin her life.

But it did. It happened.

And now she's left with the uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

I could never prepare her for this. I could never prepare anyone for this.

It's completely unrealistic for me to give her a play by play of what to do if scenario A comes up ever.

Or is it?

I should never be too careful when it comes to my family's safety.

I love them too much to do that.

I just don't understand, more than anything...

Why is it me that has to stand by and watch my loved ones suffer.

Why can't I take that pain away from them.

I have never had to deal with the difficulties that they all have faced.

And I'm the eldest.

Shouldn't I have the experiences similar to theirs in order to give them guidance and support?

I believe this is one of those blessing/curse situations.

I am clearly more sheltered than they are.

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that God can work through me for my family.

It's difficult to imagine that they would listen.

Maybe I don't give them enough credit.

Or maybe I don't have faith in myself.

But it all comes down to how they view me

The "angel/perfect/spoiled/favorite child"

The one who never gets in trouble, can talk her way out of anything, ect.

I know I am different from each of them, and they from me and each other, but I am no better than any of them.

In most cases, I'm worse.

I can list all the faults I have that none of them seem to exhibit.

I still see all of them as preteen siblings that are innocent and curious.

The truth is, they are all growing up, and I do not like it.

Especially now that I have been tested of my duties as the protector, and have failed.

I know this will not be the last time I fail.

And that scares me.

If I can't do it now, what is going to happen in the future?

What is going to happen in the future?

28

Even When



I thought I had given it to God, I was only lying to myself.



About every four months I get into this funk that has me relive parts of my past that I would rather not.

It's not good for my soul.

Although it is in my head, my thoughts are still sinful.

I still have yet to forgive.



I don't know how I can be a youth leader that is constantly telling the girls that forgiveness is the right thing to do.

Holding on to things like this are pointless.



These thoughts leave me feeling empty.

I am glad that I am in a relationship with someone that I know can fill that emptiness back up.



So, maybe these couple days are suppossed to be reminders of that.

Perhaps it is good for the soul.



I can count on my Father, no matter the situation.

Whether I have pain, guilt, or nothing at all...and the emptiness or loneliness it may bring, it too shall pass.





I would still rather give it all to Him.

27

Even When

My mind was made up, God showed me a whole different plan.
Funny how He does that, huh?

I think I've figured out what it is that I am supposed to do with my life.
Although I am naturally a bit scared, I am also overly excited for it.
The few people I have told have surprised me in their reactions.
I thought my dad and Gen would both do whatever they could to change my mind, but they were the most supportive.
That makes me happy.

So, now to tell you what I have decided on...
& I'm not exactly sure what to call it, so I came up with a name:

Missionary photographer.

I want to travel.
I want to help.
I want to capture the beauty of the people all over the world.
I want to be a part of God's people.
I want, I want, I want...

Truth is I want to do what God wants.
Whatever glorifies Him, that's it.

Obviously to get to where I need to be I still need more schooling.
Major in photography, minor in something like anthropology... not too sure though.
Then, in order to gain experience and confidence in traveling, join the peace corps.

There are still a lot of things to work out and research on.
Nothing is set in stone yet...
But I love the direction it's headed in.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

26

Even When

I look up to the snow capped mountains I saw the incredible beauty only God can create.

I am so blessed to have this amazing view to look at every morning.
I can't tell you how many times I have taken it for granted.

Every single day I get the privilege to see, actually see, this awe inspiring place.

Why do I fantasize about getting out of this valley?
We are fortunate enough to live in one of the most gorgeous places on the planet, and I want to leave?
What is wrong with me?

Why would I run from this paradise?

As the days pass by, you realize how much you love the smallest gifts that your hometown has to offer.
I am not sure if I'll be able to let go when the time comes.

Never have I felt the slightest resentment to this place, only short periods of boredom, soon to be forgotten.
But the beauty, oh the pure beauty, can never be mistaken, nor forgotten.

I love my surroundings more than ever.

25

Even When

I remember, I forget.

I didn't exactly finish transferring my India journal, but better late then never.

10:15 p.m. Saturday November 22, 2008
Today Truthseekers had its orientation. I learned a lot more about the caste system and what Truthseekers wants to do to help terminate it. I met a lot of people today: Steve & Robin Smith, Victor Paul, Barj Mani, Noelle & Kyle Becchetti, and Sunil Sardar. We had a couple of breaks in between our orientation. Once we had chai tea, and oh my goodness, it was incredible. It's my new favorite tea. After orientation concluded they informed us that the women needed to go out and buy culturally appropriate clothes for the foot washing rallies. We ended up taking a twenty minute drive to Fabindia. Our outfits consisted of Shankas (a pajama type pant), Kartas (long shirt), and a Dupatta (scarf). The shankas are extremely large but oddly comfortable. Kartas are blouses that hide your backside. Dupattas are worn in a way that covers your chest and drapes around the back to provide added coverage of your backside. If you wear the dupatta in a way that does not cover your chest, men in India assume that you are a "loose" woman. The shopping experience was fun, and not as crazy because everything was a fixed price. When we got back to the YMCA, I didn't feel like eating. Jason, Roger and I decided to combine pictures and transfer them online. Kristen & I made plans to go to Cunnet Place on Tuesday morning so I could get gifts for people back home.

6:50 a.m. Monday November 24, 2008
Yesterday we left at 6 a.m. for Agra. Our driver picked us up and we started on our three to four hour car ride. About half way there we stopped to get breakfast. The food was not very good, and there was a funny sign on the wall that read "STD available here", (Apparently STD is an abbreviation for a telephone booth). On the second half of the drive we made another stop, this one was a random tax stop. Tons of cars were lined up and drivers got out to pay a tax. There was a man with a monkey on the sidewalk next to our car. And we were told that if we look at the show the monkey puts on, the man would expect money. So, we decided not to look. All of a sudden the monkey leaps at my window and I thought it was going to attack me. I nearly hit my head on the top of the car. Once we got into the city of Agra, we stopped and picked up a man on the side of the road. His name was Kash & he ended up being our tour guide. The first place we went was the Agra Fort. It was large and insanely beautiful. There were so many stairwells we couldn't take, Jason was getting a little more rebellious than usual and began climbing in places that were off limits. One of the main areas was this grand open garden type place that used to be a large swimming pool. It was next to the Water Gate. I guess it had to be filled with grass because it was a weak spot and could be a good place for an attack. We got to go into a woman's mosque that was attached, obviously for women only. It was definitely my favorite place of the entire day. After that we went to a local artist shop. The man who owned it is directly related to the artists who helped beautify the Taj Mahal. He showed us how they made each piece of art. It takes weeks to finish one piece no bigger than a pot holder. I bought a few things there. The next place we went to happened to be a jeweler. He showed us all types of gems, precious and all. Garnet and Amber are my favorites. In the middle of the room there was a case of knives and daggers. The woman let us see each of them. One was used to kill tigers. Yes, a tiger killing device. The lady then suggested we go listen to music downstairs. Two men were in a music room playing a sitar and small drum. They were amazing, and I'm glad I got them on video. Roger got to play on the man's sitar while the rest of us got to enjoy some Masala tea, which I love even more than chai. We stopped and ate before going to the Taj Mahal. Which ended up being delayed anyway because the president from some country got a tour. We took a rickshaw to the gates of the Taj Mahal. The line was loooooooooooong. We cheated and cut. There were three lines. Two for men, one for women. Luckily we all got in very quickly. There were gardens everywhere and if there had been less people it would have been very peaceful. Kash told us that the king made it for his second wife, whom I guess he loved the most. She asked for three wishes, I can only remember two though. 1) To build a monument in her name incomparable to anything in this world and 2) to never marry again. He kept his promises. We waited in another line to enter the actual monument. When we got inside we saw two tombs, the king and his wife's. They are the only two things that are not symmetrical throughout the entire landscape. We left shortly after sunset, and only stopped to buy some tea and say goodbye to Kash.

12:15 a.m. Tuesday November 25, 2008
Today we took a bus to our first foot washing rally. What was supposed to be a three hour drive ended up taking five. And the distance traveled was only ninety miles. The trip there wasn't so bad. We passed through a lot of villages and towns. It was more of the India I expected: cows, monkeys, run down buildings, open markets. But I began to see a connection between all of the towns. Each had an overwhelming number of huts. I first guessed that they were made from clay, but then found out that they were made from cow dung. Straw was used as a roof covering. It's amazing to think that people make these cow Frisbees for a living, and that others sleep in the huts. It's just wild. After a while we got to the small village. I was drawn to them right away. What I loved most was that even the most grumpy looking old man would nod or crack a smile if he was waved or smiled at. We parked near the stage where the rally would take place. I was one of the last ones off the bus and therefore got the privilege of sitting in the front. I took pictures and smiled and waved at the children that sat directly in front of me. It almost breaks my heart that Kristen isn't a kid person, but as I've been told, not many people are. The rally began and Sunil spoke, then sang. "Balikara ayya..." what a fun song. Others from our group spoke and it was translated, then we all sang. Sunil asked three people to have their feet washed and to wash feet. Women were first. I don't know if it was because I was in the front row, or what, but I stepped in right away. I was not sure exactly what to do, but I finished drying the first woman's feet and said a prayer for her. The second woman held her dupatta over her face so I could not see her. I began to wash her feet and she slowly removed it when I looked up at her. Once I dried her feet, I said a prayer and the man translated. I don't know her name nor do I know the town she lives in, but I will never forget her, and she will never forget the day Jesus came and showed his love. I was a little disappointed that we were not able to wash more feet... however, the most amazing part happened next. Sunil began to speak and a man came up with a red bracelet. This red bracelet is given to the lower caste by the Brahmin priest as a "blessing". The truth is that the priest use an old language in order to curse the lower caste so they can "bind you as we bound the Baliraja, to be our slaves forever". Of course, the low caste has no idea what is going on, they are being blessed. The Baliraja is who they relate Jesus to in their history. The priest proceed to "bless" them by tying a red string into six knots, then wrap it around their wrist six times, and finally tie it securely into place, six times...666. All the while, saying this blessing. So, these red bondage bracelets were cut from the hands of men in order to signify freedom from the caste slavery. It was a powerful thing to watch. Shortly after it was time to leave. In the bus I got to sit near a window. I stuck my hand out in order to shake hands. Some of the older boys were a little too anxious to shake girl's hands. They had this really weird handshake and asking me things in Hindi as well as trying to give me bangles. I was sad to leave though. They were all so full of energy and joy and happiness. After, we went to a caste leader's house in the most authentic India ever. It was pure countryside and pure beauty. Somehow, I always end up as the straggler since I take pictures nonstop. I don't mind, I love the people. We ate with them and started our walk back to the bus. A woman with her face completely covered walked with her husband, who had a large bag on his head. They were walking in the opposite direction of me along the dirt road. He nodded to his wife who proceeded to lift her dupatta. She stared at me, and began to walk towards me.I touched her head and gave her a hug. Then I smiled and looked at her. We were both the same, but different. Jesus wants us both, together. And I could see that at that moment. He wants us to realize that we are a family, his family, and that we need to love each other- those who accept and those who deny. Even if she does not know God, she will hear about him, she will feel him, she will think of him. Even if she does not realize it. Because he knows her, and feels her, and thinks about her. All I could say at that moment was "God bless you". We both turned and walked away. My eyes watered and numerous emotions filled my heart. If this is what ministry and missionary work is, I want in. I can see now why God did not want me in Mexico earlier. India NEEDED to be my first trip. The bus ride back, oh man. Picture Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland plus Crazy train at the date festival intensified by twenty. This huge bus was constantly up and down. You were lucky to touch your seat for more than ten seconds. We were literally lifted off of our seats two thirds of the ride. It's all part of the experience, and I wanted to experience it all. We stopped for dinner at Sunil's neighbor's house and then went back to the YMCA. Tomorrow will be fun. I miss my family, but what I'm doing here & experiencing is incredible. Happy birthday Jennifer!

Thursday November 27, 2008
Our final two foot washing rallies already took place. Tuesday the people were so friendly and welcoming. There was a twenty year old girl named Kritika who was one of the promoters of Truthseekers. She's in college & studying some economic art thing. Anyhow, she's nice. I learned a new handshake from one of the little boys. Earlier in the day we did some shopping with two other women, Denise and Jan. It was fun. We stayed mostly in Cunnet Place. Yesterday we woke up at 4:30 in order to make our train at 6. We traveled to Etawah. The train ride took about four hours. I ended up feeling sick most of the day. When we arrived it was apparent through the smell. It was the worst smelling place we had been that week. Since we were early, we had to wait for about an hour in a hotel type place. Then everyone got on the most obnoxious bus and drove to the rally. This bus was made for the most petite of people. I didn't even fit comfortably. It had party lights on it, but the best part was the horn. It was a musical horn that had carnival type music blasting every time the driver hit it. At the rally more people were interested in why we were there. I was happy about that. This was also the first time a camera crew was there. By the end of the talk people were killing each other to get to the books Sunil brought. The woman whose feet I washed was one of the shortest I've ever seen. There were only three wash buckets and pouring devices for the four seats, so I used my hands as a pouring device. It never got old, washing their feet was amazing. When I washed her feet I looked up to see her eyes closed. She was completely enveloped in the moment, in God's love. I wonder what He was telling her. Once we wrapped up, the news proceeded to interview Sunil and a handful of others. We left and stayed at a place to eat and use the squatty potties. So weird. Then we went to a village. The countryside is the most beautiful part of India. As we walked to the village I was saying hi and waving, but some people didn't respond. Most didn't make a sound. It wasn't until we got towards the middle of the village that I realized one of the elderly women had died. They were paying their respects in silence. I felt pretty bad after that. We sat down, prayed, and sang. Then made our way back to the bus. An Indian man was walking beside me & told me that us being there was a super natural phenomenon. It was a huge deal to them. I also found out that they use the cow patties as a source of fuel. The bus took us back to the train station. The rally that day was supposed to be on the news, but there was a terrorist attack in Mumbai. Today is Thanksgiving, there are so many things to be thankful for.

24

Even When

I know how cliche this is, I did, in fact, make a list.

New Year's Resolutions 2009

1. Trust myself.
2. Get the most out of my education.
3. Listen.
4. Read something of value everyday.
5. Be intentional about getting to know my junior high girls.
6. See Emery live in concert.
7. Drive legally.
8. Devote a day to spend with each family member.
9. Learn bass and guitar.
10. Reserve my lips.