29

Even When

A flower dies, the world will pass right by it.

I do not understand, nor am I sure that I am supposed to, how people feel they can get away with their sin.

Do they not feel in their hearts the wrong they are committing?

Can they not see the horror and destruction in the aftermath?

How can anyone live with themselves once such a deed is done?

Are they ashamed at all?

Is that guilty feeling deep in the pit of their stomach not enough to want to repent?

If not to the persons affected, then to God at least? At least... whatever higher power they see fit.

I am baffled at the situation at hand.

There is confusion as to what I should believe and feel at the moment.

I have always believed that there is good inside people.

However,

This is just so inescapably horrible.

How is it that such an evil happened to someone I love?

No one would ask for this.

She never wanted something like this to ruin her life.

But it did. It happened.

And now she's left with the uncertainty, fear, and doubt.

I could never prepare her for this. I could never prepare anyone for this.

It's completely unrealistic for me to give her a play by play of what to do if scenario A comes up ever.

Or is it?

I should never be too careful when it comes to my family's safety.

I love them too much to do that.

I just don't understand, more than anything...

Why is it me that has to stand by and watch my loved ones suffer.

Why can't I take that pain away from them.

I have never had to deal with the difficulties that they all have faced.

And I'm the eldest.

Shouldn't I have the experiences similar to theirs in order to give them guidance and support?

I believe this is one of those blessing/curse situations.

I am clearly more sheltered than they are.

Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that God can work through me for my family.

It's difficult to imagine that they would listen.

Maybe I don't give them enough credit.

Or maybe I don't have faith in myself.

But it all comes down to how they view me

The "angel/perfect/spoiled/favorite child"

The one who never gets in trouble, can talk her way out of anything, ect.

I know I am different from each of them, and they from me and each other, but I am no better than any of them.

In most cases, I'm worse.

I can list all the faults I have that none of them seem to exhibit.

I still see all of them as preteen siblings that are innocent and curious.

The truth is, they are all growing up, and I do not like it.

Especially now that I have been tested of my duties as the protector, and have failed.

I know this will not be the last time I fail.

And that scares me.

If I can't do it now, what is going to happen in the future?

What is going to happen in the future?