40

What is with my inability to truly seek God?

There should be absolutely no reason for my procrastination.

Every mountain top encounter I have experienced has left me breathless and wanting a deeper relationship and understanding with my first love, my creator.

I seem to be stuck in the mud... again.

This is one of my character flaws. When I am comfortable I don't feel a need to progress.

If things are working out exactly where they are, what is the point of shaking things around, right?

Wrong.

Life is all about the challenges, the stumbling blocks, falling on our knees, our entire being should feel as though it's crumbling brick by brick. We need to be there. We need to be stripped, bare breasted, completely vulnerable. That is where the true most significant change can be not only seen, but engrained in us. A good habit is formed that will last.

I know exactly what I SHOULD be seeking. I have a desire to follow my intention.

My earthly face is holding me back.

I am full of lust. Full of it.

I am selfish.

I put myself high on a pedestal.

I am guilty of sloth and envious of others.

I have wicked thoughts on a semi-regular basis.

How do I rid my heart and body of this filth?

Seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek seek Him.



I still do not have an accountability partner.

I need one.

I do not have the will power to do this on my own.

I'm human.

Nothing more.

But

Nothing less either.



Topic shift:

"God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt" right?

God made man out of dirt. He breathed life into our nostrils.

Man don't hurt?

I say false.

Man hurts man.



I don't think I'll be using that saying much anymore.



And lastly, my favorite quote of the week:

"How you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the creator." from Rob Bell's Sex God

So pertainate to not only the earth and how we choose to handle the enviornment, not only animals and our treatment towards them, but most importantly God's most prized creation, man. How we treat each other reflects how we feel about God, our father, our creator... their father and their creator.

39

One thing I love about life is the abundance of imperfections. Without them, there would be no need for improvement or growth.



In the last couple days, dealing with tennis patrons, classmates, and friends, I have realized that I am not an interesting being.




How in the world do I make friends?

Initially:

I am noticeably timid and slow to respond.

Starting and keeping conversation is not a strength of mine. [I lack structure and tend to lose other's attention.]

My knowledge is limited and irrelevant.




Eventually:

I replace my shyness with openness that becomes overwhelming.

The struggle with conversation continues and is paired with stumbling over unorganized thoughts.

I am completely weird.




I don't have much to bring to the table.

- I love to listen, but strongly dislike talking.

- I find ways out of responding to issues or situations. [Not responding can be taken as a response.]




As much as I say I like people, I don't seem to interact well with them.
I think there's a lack of excitement, or an excessive amount of dullness in my personality.

Now that I've been able to narrow it down...




"If you're not going to let it change you, what's the point?" - Jason Fredregill

38

Even When
it's not me, it is.

How much should a person be made available?

I was asked a question once: What is the most common false first impression people have of you?

After giving it some serious thought (though, that was not intended) I decided that people most commonly mistake my lack of verbal communication as a personal attack of hate towards them.

Now, when I bring this up some responses I receive are:
"It's not your problem."
"You shouldn't care what others think of you."
"People are stuuuupid."

(True. True. Up for debate.)

I came to the realization that I have locked myself in a box.
Whatever square shaped image forms in your mind initially is fine, but let me assure you that it is undeniably locked.

Personally, I envision myself as a mime, in an imaginary box that is, like I said, locked.
I do not speak. I do not leave my self created holding cell. The only thing I can do is provide gestures to those observing.

The phrase "actions speak louder than words" came to mind.
I don't want to undermine the power of speech.
When used correctly, words can give just as strong of a statement.

Even though I may not be phased by people's interpretations of my silence.
No matter if I take no interest in their view of me.
And we can skip that final one...

Basically, what I'm getting at is this.
I am constantly attempting to better myself.
That's what this blog is helping me do.
"Even When" bad happens, wonderful can comes from it.
Likewise, "Even When" good happens, terrible can throw it down.
There is an equilibrium, a balance.

Our words are valuable. How many or few we choose to use, may they be ones that lift up instead of tear down.

(To those that I may have offended, I apologize.)

I'm working on it.