37

Even When

"It feels like there's a big balloon inside my stomach. And the balloon keeps growing bigger and bigger, like every second extra the tic stays inside it feels like somebody blows up the balloon another notch, until I let it out."

People are interesting.
I am not sure which I enjoy more, observing or interacting.
It brings me joy to just sit and listen to others, to gain even a small insight into their mind, into their heart, into their soul.

I love learning.
It hasn't always been that way. Truthfully, up until I graduated, I did not have a real passion for learning in school. One passion that has followed through sixth grade is my slightly creepy fixation with people watching. (The interaction part didn't blossom until ninth grade)
Now, I can say in all honesty, I have an eagerness and heart felt desire to learn as much as I can about whatever/whoever I can.

Although I'm taking nineteen units this semester, I have yet to feel overwhelmed. Mostly, the only feeling I have is joy. Each course I am enrolled in a) relates well with the others, b) I find myself weaving into my everyday thought and life, c) has contributed to me becoming more bold and inquisitive, d) has played a major part in my thirst for knowledge.

Now to the quotation that began this entry:

Josh Cutler in New York. Josh has Tourette's Syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes uncontrollable tics and involuntary verbal outbursts. The Teenage Diaries (found through an adol. psych assignment) series has been giving tape recorders to young people around the country to report on their own lives.

What I find most interesting is the fact that it is completely raw and unfiltered. There is no need to impress when it's just you and a tape recorder for an entire year. No teenager can put on a facade for that long. Especially this young man, Josh... he always says what is on his mind. Mostly because he can't help it, from the Tourette's, but also because that is who he is. He talks about the fact that even if he was free of the disease, he would still be a "loony bird". The best part, he is not ashamed of who he is.

This is a very intriguing project. I would urge anyone to try this. (Not necessarily through NPR; on your own is fine) It's a diary, but more personal in my opinion. Hearing your own voice saying things that you may no longer believe, experiences that you've forgotten, feelings and thoughts you haven't experienced since... It has the potential to be an incredibly moving experience.

Through Josh's thirteen minute video diary, I have gained an insight that I would not have gotten through the transcript alone.
After listening to it, all I want to do is talk with a whole bundle of people- ones I know, as well as ones I don't.

If you have the time, take a listen. You will take something away from it.

http://www.radiodiaries.org/teenagediaries.html

36

Even When

you know... you are not always aware.

I spent the other evening talking with a friend.

We spent time discussing the past, the future, desires, fears, weaknesses ect.



Basically, I realized, and I think we both did...







that we do not have to settle for mediocre.



This semester has really reinforced that notion.

35

Different from my normal format, this post will be completely raw. I feel this is necessary to give you more insight as to where I am coming from.

Accountability & Responsibility & Vulnerability & Risk
An attempt. That's what counts, right?

Here it goes:

I am trying so hard to keep to my promise, to keep to my decision, to not give in.
The truth is, I miss my best friend.
Nearly a month has gone by without contact, and because of that, it has been the most emotionally wrenching month of my life. August 25, 2009 is a day I will remember. That is the day I told my best friend I was not going to talk to him again. I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I can't say I didn't abandon him. I did. I threw away our friendship of four years so he could concentrate on his relationship with his girlfriend and not worry about anything else. I won't deny the feelings I have for him. I am not ready though. He's not in a place that I can commit to him, and I'm not going to date a non-christian. I can't. Dating is for those who are ready for marriage, or that's my belief. And I am most definitely not ready for it.

This is the first time I've had to let go of a friendship that I wasn't ready to see end.
It hurts. I feel like such a girl. I never cry. It's all unfamiliar. Although, it may not seem a huge crisis to some, it is slowly becoming one to me. I've prided myself on knowing what to do in every situation in my life. I am generally very decisive with my personal decisions. This is because I know my morals, I know how to discern, and I have common sense. I know how to balance emotions with logic, for the most part. But in this case I really don't care that I'm out of balance. That is because I desire my friendship to return to how it was a year ago, and I am tempted to explore the possibilities of that happening. "I want it now", it can happen now. When the truth is, it can't. People say, "we can repeat the past", but we can't relive it. And that is both a blessing and a curse.

If guy troubles are what constantly and most often fill my thoughts, instead of God, then I know I am not ready for a relationship. And that's where I am right now. I hate to admit it but, God is not my top priority. This is where I want to be, saying, "I will wait for the man God is preparing for me, and if that is not in God's plan then I'll still be grateful." I will become that woman of God. "This is my desire, to honor You."

I know God has big plans for me. Plans that I can't comprehend. Let me just say, I am so grateful for each person he has placed in my life. If you were to throw out a name of someone I know, I could tell you how amazing that person is and what their impact has been on me. God has been so good to me. I can't believe I am at a place right now where I am wanting him to change what's already done. I know he can, but I won't ask him to. I trust him too much. Although the desire is still deep in my heart, I will not give in to it. I am stronger then that.

Maybe I am making this out to be more then it is, but then again ridding your life of the one person that you are closest to can prove to be more difficult then anything. Especially for me. It's all relative, right?

I just really need to instill in myself that ALL I NEED is my Lord and Savior. Look at Job [Job 1:1-2:10], he lost everything: his animals, house, family, health...and he was a rock in his faith with God. He knew the outcome would be greater than the destruction he saw before his eyes. He knew it was foolish to accept the good with out the trouble. I have often thought about how I would react in the situations Job faced, and I am always filled with uncertainty. Watching other's suffer is not something I do well. I can't stand when people I love are in harm. I know that is how Satan would get to me. But I also know if I give that worry to God, he will take it and make me strong. He will guard me and help me through the trials. [1Peter 5:7]

This is all very personal. But as a follower of Christ, I have no right to keep the works of God a secret. My life is in the works currently and indefinitely.