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Different from my normal format, this post will be completely raw. I feel this is necessary to give you more insight as to where I am coming from.

Accountability & Responsibility & Vulnerability & Risk
An attempt. That's what counts, right?

Here it goes:

I am trying so hard to keep to my promise, to keep to my decision, to not give in.
The truth is, I miss my best friend.
Nearly a month has gone by without contact, and because of that, it has been the most emotionally wrenching month of my life. August 25, 2009 is a day I will remember. That is the day I told my best friend I was not going to talk to him again. I can only imagine what is going through his mind. I can't say I didn't abandon him. I did. I threw away our friendship of four years so he could concentrate on his relationship with his girlfriend and not worry about anything else. I won't deny the feelings I have for him. I am not ready though. He's not in a place that I can commit to him, and I'm not going to date a non-christian. I can't. Dating is for those who are ready for marriage, or that's my belief. And I am most definitely not ready for it.

This is the first time I've had to let go of a friendship that I wasn't ready to see end.
It hurts. I feel like such a girl. I never cry. It's all unfamiliar. Although, it may not seem a huge crisis to some, it is slowly becoming one to me. I've prided myself on knowing what to do in every situation in my life. I am generally very decisive with my personal decisions. This is because I know my morals, I know how to discern, and I have common sense. I know how to balance emotions with logic, for the most part. But in this case I really don't care that I'm out of balance. That is because I desire my friendship to return to how it was a year ago, and I am tempted to explore the possibilities of that happening. "I want it now", it can happen now. When the truth is, it can't. People say, "we can repeat the past", but we can't relive it. And that is both a blessing and a curse.

If guy troubles are what constantly and most often fill my thoughts, instead of God, then I know I am not ready for a relationship. And that's where I am right now. I hate to admit it but, God is not my top priority. This is where I want to be, saying, "I will wait for the man God is preparing for me, and if that is not in God's plan then I'll still be grateful." I will become that woman of God. "This is my desire, to honor You."

I know God has big plans for me. Plans that I can't comprehend. Let me just say, I am so grateful for each person he has placed in my life. If you were to throw out a name of someone I know, I could tell you how amazing that person is and what their impact has been on me. God has been so good to me. I can't believe I am at a place right now where I am wanting him to change what's already done. I know he can, but I won't ask him to. I trust him too much. Although the desire is still deep in my heart, I will not give in to it. I am stronger then that.

Maybe I am making this out to be more then it is, but then again ridding your life of the one person that you are closest to can prove to be more difficult then anything. Especially for me. It's all relative, right?

I just really need to instill in myself that ALL I NEED is my Lord and Savior. Look at Job [Job 1:1-2:10], he lost everything: his animals, house, family, health...and he was a rock in his faith with God. He knew the outcome would be greater than the destruction he saw before his eyes. He knew it was foolish to accept the good with out the trouble. I have often thought about how I would react in the situations Job faced, and I am always filled with uncertainty. Watching other's suffer is not something I do well. I can't stand when people I love are in harm. I know that is how Satan would get to me. But I also know if I give that worry to God, he will take it and make me strong. He will guard me and help me through the trials. [1Peter 5:7]

This is all very personal. But as a follower of Christ, I have no right to keep the works of God a secret. My life is in the works currently and indefinitely.

34

Even When

I did...I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

August was the most eye opening, emotional, ridiculously amazing month of my entire life. That is not an overstatement by any means.

1. Two weeks in Alpine
a. I would love to work there next summer
b. Patience was tested
c. Everyone has a story that WILL surprise you
d. Worship music wins, hands down
2. God speaks through the silence
a. Early morning walks
b. Afternoon cool breeze
c. Starry night one-on-nones
3. I have NEVER been so full of joy
a. A friend that gets the happiness he has always deserved
b. Family finally opens up and a glimpse of hope for closeness lingers
c. Children/Youth on fire for God
4. Letting go
a. As a test of faith
b. For one less distraction
c. Of the past
d. Is still difficult
5. 9 months without shedding a tear
a. Realization of inevitable change
b. Not a weakness
c. Healthy, in fact
6. Every youth needs someone pouring into their lives, on a regular basis
a. Genuinely invest
b. Love
c. Guide
7. Friends
a. Incredibly important
b. Change
i. Not suddenly
ii. While we are blind
iii. To grow in a certain direction
c. Will let you down
d. Will teach you something

In the midst of the chaotic month, I lost what I am supposed to be doing.
In the first days back at school I have been repeatedly asked what the next year holds for me.
I knew. I was so sure. Certain beyond a doubt.
Am I afraid, and that is what clouds my certainty now?
Or perhaps another path is going to be unveiled?


I am supposed to take my own advice here and wait.
Be patient, trust, have faith.
I am straying from the path.
I can feel it.
God help me back to your flock.